I am so absolutely slow it's pathetic but I finally uploaded the few Christmas pictures I got. I wasn't able to take snapshots of my dad and brother wearing their scarves but I got my sister and brother in law in their gifts.
My Brother in Law Hector with his hat.
My baby girl, little sister Millicent with her headband and a new jacket from mom.
Here's my mom with a picture of a perfume she got from my sister.
This is my precious one, my little niece with her new table and chairs from her grandma (my mom).
Eaten so far today:
1 yogurt cup
1 (ok 1.5 doughnuts)
1 can of Diet Pepsi
1 cup of coffee
Knitted since the last time:
I've actually been in a knitting slump since the last time we spoke. I'm not sure if it is starting up school again or the heavy course load I signed up for this semester but I've been pretty exhausted and busy reading that I haven't really picked up much.
I did work on my new prayer shawl a bit and have about a foot done. If you look at it carefully you'll notice it is the same pattern as the baby blanket. I love the wave pattern so much that I wanted to do it again. The problem with doing it again is that you're not as motivated to keep knitting because the pattern is so familiar.
Wavy Prayer Shawl in Grey Caron Simply Soft
I have really enjoyed working with the Caron Simply Soft since I've been trying to be frugal. I am missing my wool, alpaca, merino, and blends of the like alot though. I look forward to being able to hit KnitPicks again soon!
I've also picked up my crochet hook again which I haven't done in years. I blame the leader of the Prayer Shawl Ministry at our church, Margo. I love Margo to bits but she did this mystery motif in crochet and I participated. That whetted my appetite for other crocheted items. So I broke down, bought some Red Heart, and began a snowflake throw. I have many more of these motifs done but I wanted to share a sample of what they look like.
Snowflake Throw motifs in Red Heart
I don't typically like Red Heart but I made my mom this headband and scarf set in Red Heart and it was warm and after a wash it was kinda soft so I figured what they heck. It seemed warm enough for the scarf, why not make a throw.
Today is Friday and it happens to be one of the coldest days as of late. I plan to spend time indoors and rest but most importantly, I plan to work on my projects some rather than sit and read. I've been sitting and reading all week. Literally all week. I'm getting quite sick of sitting and reading academic material and it's only the second week. If all I had to read was homework and articles, I could see maybe I'm overreacting but I have to read even in class. My accommodations in my grad classes are real time captions provided by court reporters. They are lovely women and I appreciate all the hard work they do but sometimes I just want to sit and talk to someone. Not talk, sign. I just want to sit and chat with someone in my language. I miss my friends who live far away and as much as I try to fill my days with family and schoolwork, sometimes I just miss my friends and talking about B.S. It hits me when I'm in school how really alone I get and I think sometimes I fall into a state of feeling sorry for myself. I usually bounce out of this pretty quickly so I'm sure by Monday I'll be right as rain. I allow myself these brief moments because they tend to pass and I'm back to being myself. Sometimes I just wish there were more people in the world like me, so maybe when I do come about, I'm not so socially isolated. It would be common to see Deaf and hard of hearing people and it wouldn't be such a shock. Maybe with the way headphones and loud music are being played, I won't be alone for long.
HA!
I just returned from my brother's high school. He was recognized for his achievements in English. I love going to these functions, even if they are just a few minutes because I like seeing how others see him. I see the bratty annoying little brother who I love more than life itself but to see what others see, it's pretty cool. He's got so many layers that they only get to see the surface and that surface is one hell of a guy. I added some pictures here so that everyone can share in my pride.
Just a general picture of the assembly in the cafeteria
My brother with his certificate. I took one that was more proper, this one was "booger" style. My nickname for him is the booger.
This is my booger. I forgot what I said but I caught him off guard and snapped this picture to capture him au natural.
Eaten so far today:
Can of soup
Piece of bread
Rice with chicken for dinner
And a cup of coffee in the morning
Knitted so far:
Since we last spoke, I have finally completed my first prayer shawl for the prayer shawl minstry I am in. I hope that it reflects the warmth and safety of God's love. I'm already working on number two which I am sharing with you. It looks alot like the baby blanket I made for my teacher but this one is bigger with worsted weight yarn instead.
First Prayer Shawl made from Lion Brand Homespun
Second Prayer Shawl in progress made with Carons Simply Soft
I am approaching the first day of my last semester of school. I am both excited and scared out of my wits. I mean who ever would have thought I...my dumbass...would ever be able to complete this level of study. It leaves me with the burning question: "What else am I capable of?" "Do I even realize my full potential?"
I am sure I'm not the only one who's come across this idea of what can we actually do as human beings? Secular-wise, the possibilities are unlimited, as far as the human mind will imagine. As Christians though, our potential is something we can never even being to imagine. The Lord can do more than we can even possibly imagine. We can think of the most outrageous, insane, cosmic stuff and he can take it not one but 50 steps further and beyond. To wield that kind of power must be amazing, no wonder we are in awe of him.
With this though, I have been wrestling with the concept in my mind of what does he have planned for me. Will it even be close to what I may want or is it in a completely different direction. I realize I have no choice, I accept I have no choice, I am His servant and what He wants I have to oblige...but is it bad to hope? To hope one day to be married and have children? Parents always tell me "Oh you don't want to be a mom, it's so hard and you lose all time for yourself..." That really bothers me. Why would you tell someone what they don't want when they are telling you otherwise? Why would you think my desire to have children is something I should put aside because it's hard? Everything is hard. Anything that is hard is worth having though. If it was easy, what would be the challenge? But now as I pass 28 and continue toward finishing school, I wonder, maybe the Lord put those people in my path to help soften the blow that will happen when I realize, marriage and children are not possible for me.
I don't have opportunities to meet people and I don't even know how I would go about doing that. Unless the good Lord places him right on my doorstep (which is in His power to do), I'm pretty S.O.L.
I could have children on my own, which I would love to adopt but I would not want to put someone through the pain I went through not having a dad around. How fair is it for me to put a child through a single home like I did just to fulfill that selfish need to have them?
These are weak moments I have that come more and more as I get older. I know I need to have more faith and not question my path. I guess it's hard to resist the urge to be like a whiny child to her Father. Please keep this weak heart in your prayers as I pray for you all in mine.
Eaten so far today:
Way too much to say and be proud of....but it was delicious
Knitted so far today:
Nothing as it has been a wild crazy busy day.
I know it's been a while since my last post and I do apologize for the few who do actually keep up. This past month has been only about school. Like...only about school. Project after project and paper after paper. Finals are finally done and I am only working on my internship now. I really thought that I was going to have a nervous breakdown midway through but with the grace of God I've made it through, praise Him!
I have made a big decision recently and I have decided to go back to using hearing aids. I've spent the past few years not using them because frankly, they suck. I really hate the feeling of having plastic shoved in my ear and listening to what sounds like breath on a microphone all day. But that's not the worse part of it all. It's the stigma that kills me. The look that you get from people who see these hooks on the back of your ears or the chunk of plastic stuck inside and they get it...they know. Why does the fact that I am Deaf freak people out so much? Why do I get the automatic assumptions that either I can't communicate intelligently? Or that I am not capable of higher thought? I just get really frustrated with the whole backwards way it is. We're supposed to be trying to contribute to society but then we're getting the shaft in the way people assume.
Now I have to go through the whole stupid process of getting new hearing aids so that I can function in this world that has no room for a Deaf person like me and am still expected to act like a hearing person, speak like a hearing person even though I am NOT a hearing person.
On a happier note, I do finish my Master's program next semester. It's been made official, the classes I have now are all I need to finish. I just have to get through Spring semester and pass the classes I've registered for and I am home free. How cool is that? All these years of work culminating to this...I couldn't be happier.
Now as this year comes to a close, I am happy to say I'm glad I went through all the crap I did. I learned not to take anything for granted, don't have such low standards for myself, and to always want the best. It's very hard to want the best when you have to start accepting that you are worthy of the best. So thank you for listening to my rants these past months and for listening in the future.
Ohh by the way! December 15th I turn 28 so keep me in your prayers please as I battle another year with yarn and life!
What I've made since the last time:
Baby blanket for my Behavioral Studies teacher. She was having her first son. Her first two girls are absolute dolls!
This hat was actually done but I never got a picture of it before I gave it to my communication facilitator. She's one awesome lady and I love her to bits. She helps me so much.
Eaten so Far:
1 cup of coffee
1 Italian Beef Sandwich (Double Dipped) (I soooo broke today)
Knitted thus far:
The hat that I showed you previously with the pinkish cotton candy yarn came out to be way too big for my little cousin's head so I used the remaining three balls to make a moss stitched scarf that looked all pillowy and puffy so hopefully her parents will like it. I didn't take a picture in time since the birthday party was last night.
I did start and finish another hat in one night's time which made me so excited. It's a Christmas gift for my facilitator Pam. Pam works as a captionist (aka court reporter) and transcribes spoken conversation for me into text. Being a Deafie is never easy but in school it's even harder and without Pam and Jo (my other captionist) I would never succeed in school. So I finished Pam's gift first and made it out of Noro Kureyoun. (??) It is rainbow striped and kinda rough to the touch but the pattern came out pretty cool so I'm' content.
I am also making great progress on my brother's scarf. It's the same kind as my dad's but my brother's has many more mistakes in it. Hopefully he won't notice it too much being a guy. *snickers*
Not a great picture I know but one I took late at night and I was sorta sleepy.
I did also get to finish my sister's gift. She was the one I was making the Calorimetry for. It turned out pretty cool and I could see how it would keep a girl's head warm while not messing up her "do."
And yes that is me modeling for now. I'll make sure to add pictures of the actual people wearing their gifts on Christmas Day.
I've been struggling with the concept of time as of late. Time flies. Time is constant. Time is unchanging. We can try to manage time but time has it's own agenda and doesn't work with our schedule unless it really wants to.
I've been feeling as if time is slowly slipping away from me. My semester quickly approaches it's ending and I still have so much to do. Time does not want to cooperate with me and allow me just a bit more to complete what I have to do. On top of that, time isn't allowing me to do what I would like to do such as knit more, attend my fellowship groups, or hang out with friends. I had an offer to meet a new friend next weekend and I was excited with the prospect of actually going on some type of date for the first time since my breakup and TIME decided to sneak up and shake its ugly bony finger at me saying "Nah uh Meli. You have this new schedule that is going to eat the hours I give you." So I had to cancel this meeting because I now have an internship site to work at. I have to complete 50 hours of time there and that time does not include class time, studying time, or family obligation time. Where does all that fit in? If it doesn't all fit in, what is going to give? My family is very understanding of the demands on my time but I am not going to repeat past mistakes and ignore my family for the sake of school. School is great and school will allow me to learn alot and better serve God's purpose for me. But school isnt' everything and it can't be that my sole purpose in life is to serve people with disabilities. I am still a daughter and a sister and an aunt. Those roles are important too, right?
I want to be able to do so many great things and do them all in his name but I feel that sometimes my energy is not there, that time passes much to fast for my liking, that I don't get to give it my all. What is the point of doing anything in His name if I'm not giving it my all?
So with that said on this Sunday afternoon, I return to the work that I have to complete for tomorrow and pray as I am completing it that God does see what is in my heart and how much it does hurt to not be able to do everything I'm set out to do.
On a positive note, I did get baptized last Sunday which was an awesome experience. My brother was the one who dunked me and it was exhilarating. I've been going through this slow process of change that I can't deny anymore, the old me melting away. This was like hitting the final nail on that coffin. Though it is still a process, it was a very important step forward for me and I'm so glad I got to share it with my brother.
Finished my brother in law's black hat in KP Swish Coal. Let me tell you KP Swish is so soft and squishy I love knitting with it. The only draw back was there were some fuzzed pieces in the yarn but I knit through them like a trooper.
I also finished my niece's little pink scarf in KP Swish Worsted Carnation. This one was a bit of a pill (not pilling yarn, just a pain in the a$$). I couldn't get the stitch count to match what the pattern asked for. There was either too many increases or decreases and by the time I finished the first two rows I had more stitches than I should. It came out alright though so I can't complain.
I also completed a hat for my little cousin (She's technically my second or third cousin). It's her first birthday next week and I want to make her a hat and scarf set in this really bulky multi colored baby yarn. I have a feeling it's going to be too big on her little head but hopefully she'll get some use out of it and the scarf once the scarf is done. hehe
Right now I'm working on a head band for my sister called Calorimetry. It took me a while to cast on this one because I was reading the pattern beforehand and it confused me a bit. I've only done one set of socks so far in my knitting career so turning short rows is still kind of new. So once again when I'm intimidated by a pattern I build up courage then dive in and do exactly what the pattern says in the midst of knitting and so far it's turning out alright...at least I hope!
So where the hell have I been? Nobody's been bold enough to ask me and sometimes I wonder if anyone even noticed the few weeks I have been silent. I wish I could say that I have spent these past few weeks on a fabulous vacation or starting up a new romance but no such luck for this chubby knitter. These past few weeks have been spent immersed in school work. I've had to turn out roughly 30 pages of written work between three classes and an internship, several hours on observation and still have several interviews that I have to conduct for this internship. I love the opportunity to be able to go to grad school but goodness, the work is getting intense.
My knitting is also something that has had to be put to the back burner. (Yes despite the number of FO you see, my knitting has really slowed down. Hats were done in one day each and scarf was done in three days) Now normally, I would be alright with this as I understand totally education has to come before my hobby. I just never realized how much that hobby has become a part of my behavior. I think I'm getting stressed beyond recognition because for the last few days my eye has been twitching and I've been getting really horrible migraines. But this really has to be a sign of God's amazing work that when you overwork the body, it responds by forcing you to rest.
I really do love knitting though. Knitting my Christmas gifts this year really has put it in perspective to me. I knit a lot and often don't put much emphasis on what I give away but really as knitters we should. I realized I will be giving the people I love the most something made stitch by stitch with them in mind. That every inch of the yarn they wear on their person has passed through my fingertips. Their gift is carried daily with me more than I would remember my cellphone, iPod, or even keys. Their gift becomes my constant companion until it's ends are woven in and finishing touches are made. I pose this statement fellow knitters...that knitted gifts are the most intimate gesture between two people and should not be taken for granted, by the recipient or the knitter themselves.
Eaten So Far:
Bowl of Pasta
Glass of Coke Zero
Stuffed Zucchini (Which was surprisingly tasty)
Knitted So Far:
Since we last spoke I've started my dad's Christmas gift and have a good four feet on that scarf. (Pictures will be included soon)
Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you just kind of shut down? Like there is so much coming in from this side and that side that you almost can't breath and rather than face it you just retreat to the security of your room?
This has been my week. Now in all earnest I really do try to keep up with reading and assignments but goodness...the schoolwork has been beyond overwhelming. Grad school is hard work and I knew it going in...I guess I'm just ready for it to be done already.
I've written several papers this week, checked out books from the library for a 8 to 10 page research paper due in 20 days, three articles that I have to contribute to a group assignment, and now supervising my brother's geometry homework. I fear that if school alone can become so overwhelming how will I ever survive the real world? I mean, lives will be in my hands, people! Not just theoretical children and anonymous case studies but real, breathing, vital, children with disabilities. It's making me begin to question my ability to be any service to my children (my children meaning the children I'll be working with). I'm trying not to let this affect my confidence but it's just so difficult to not question or doubt. Is this really my path? Is this really where He wants me to be? I mean, my Lord wouldn't challenge me beyond what He knew I was capable of right?
I can't even say how much I yearn to work with my children. How much I want to know as much as I can so when I'm with those families, possibly in their lowest hours, I want to comfort them and show them it will really be ok..that their kids are just able and capable and smart as anyone else's kids. That, as a family, they can rejoice in their child and reap those benefits that come with having a child with a disability, the love and unity it can bring. It doesn't come with struggle of course but nothing is worth anything without that struggle.
Perhaps that's what I need to accept in myself. Nothing is worth anything if I don't have to struggle. My degree won't mean anything if I don't struggle for it.
So let's struggle in all we do...let's work hard and make that final product worth all the blood sweat and tears! Who's with me?!
*crickets*
.....
My oops of the week...I was cabling and forgot to reintroduce the moved stitches on the main needle. OOPS!
This is my dad's scarf for Christmas. It's much longer now but still a WIP. You can find the pattern here.
