Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Chubby Knitter Embarks (Caution: Relgion discussed)

 Weight this week: 295 lbs

So far today:
1/4 cup Egg beaters Original egg substitute. (30 calories, 1g carb)
.5 oz Chorizo sausage. (70 calories, 1 carb)
1/2 Low Carb tortilla wrap (60 calories, 5.5 carbs)
1 tbsp Coffeemate cream with coffee (35 calories, 5 carbs)

Knitting today:
0 rows thus far...still early

I'm embarking on a new path as of this month. Now I have always been a chubby girl. I've grown quite used to people leering at me while I eat and having to pay just a bit extra for clothing and the sore joints and difficulty breathing after a few flights of stairs. It's been that way almost all my life. This summer has been the pinnicle of how much I'm going to allow myself to suffer. After an 11 year relationship (that included marriage and divorce), my ex left me. That was hard enough but on top of that I also had a bad fall down some stairs (I promise it wasn't self inflicted, it was a real accident) and sprained both ankles to the point that I couldn't hobble on them. On top of that I got into a car accident that still has my car in the shop. All and all I'd have to say each thing on top of the other has made this the worse three months of my life, but I subscribe to the belief that when God shuts a door he opens a window for you and did he ever open a window for me.

So with all this negativity going on I have decided...no...that's not accurate. I am determined to make a change for myself. I don't want to live for myself and tangible pleasures. I can't do that anymore it is killing me.

I want a relationship with my Lord and through that I want to take care of myself so that He can do his work through me. The first thing I have to do to achieve this goal is get to know my God. I have been desperately clinging to his coat tails, listening and talking and asking questions about him. I do read the Word even though it doesn't always make sense to me, I still try.
Second thing I have to do (which I have begun) is lose weight. Weight has always been something that holds me back. I don't really care about looking cute in skirts and tops. I'm good with a pair of jeans and a shirt and really I have a pretty plain fashion sense that comes from my practical ways. What hinders me is my confidence or should I say, lack there of. I don't feel I'm worthy to get anything good so I don't do anything good for myself. That is changing now. I am 27 years old and I am worthy of good things. I don't deserve to keep on going back to a boy who is fickle with his heart. I don't deserve to continuously kill myself with harmful food and cigarettes. I don't deserve to keep myself hidden from the world, wanting to fade into the background. I, and so many other people who struggle with confidence, deserve so much better. So I've got 2.5 years til I'm 30 and since 30 is called the new 20s, I'm not going to waste that time anymore.

This blog is to share these experience as I go through them and selfishly, hope for support.

Yesterday, I went for my first consultation with a surgeon. I have decided to undergo the Lap Band procedure. I got my weight taken (which I was so glad to see I was 5 pounds shy of 300. The last time I weighed myself I was over 300lbs) and my BMI too (54 I believe) and gratefully I qualified under medicaid and their team for this band. I got some great material from the dietitian that I share with my mom and my sister (both of them are trying to lose weight too) and really a boost of confidence that this is really doable. I've been staying at my mom's for support and because I feel bad taking up space at my sister's house. She's a new mom and has her husband of 2 years there too and I don't want to be in their way. With my mom, I feel stronger too.

So anyways I digress.

I came home and shared with my mom the papers I was given about diet and exercise and we discussed how we are already doing much of what the dietitian said which made me feel stronger. She also gave me this work out DVD for in room walking which is great! Since my ankles are still on the mend (takes longer when you're heavy), I can do something low impact and still be moving.

Friday, I plan to move back into my dorm and I am apprehensive. Usually with my mom I have support physically there and can stick to my goals but alone? Will I falter? I guess that's another reason for this blog. If I stick to this and write down my progress then I will have something else to answer to. Who knows?

So onward and upward (downward on the scale), wish me luck and see you next time.


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