Thursday, January 6, 2011

Getting back into the swing of things...

Eaten so far today:
Can of soup
Piece of bread
Rice with chicken for dinner
And a cup of coffee in the morning

Knitted so far:
Since we last spoke, I have finally completed my first prayer shawl for the prayer shawl minstry I am in. I hope that it reflects the warmth and safety of God's love. I'm already working on number two which I am sharing with you. It looks alot like the baby blanket I made for my teacher but this one is bigger with worsted weight yarn instead.

First Prayer Shawl made from Lion Brand Homespun

Second Prayer Shawl in progress made with Carons Simply Soft

I am approaching the first day of my last semester of school. I am both excited and scared out of my wits. I mean who ever would have thought dumbass...would ever be able to complete this level of study. It leaves me with the burning question: "What else am I capable of?" "Do I even realize my full potential?"
I am sure I'm not the only one who's come across this idea of what can we actually do as human beings? Secular-wise, the possibilities are unlimited, as far as the human mind will imagine. As Christians though, our potential is something we can never even being to imagine. The Lord can do more than we can even possibly imagine. We can think of the most outrageous, insane, cosmic stuff and he can take it not one but 50 steps further and beyond. To wield that kind of power must be amazing, no wonder we are in awe of him.

With this though, I have been wrestling with the concept in my mind of what does he have planned for me. Will it even be close to what I may want or is it in a completely different direction. I realize I have no choice, I accept I have no choice, I am His servant and what He wants I have to oblige...but is it bad to hope? To hope one day to be married and have children? Parents always tell me "Oh you don't want to be a mom, it's so hard and you lose all time for yourself..." That really bothers me. Why would you tell someone what they don't want when they are telling you otherwise? Why would you think my desire to have children is something I should put aside because it's hard? Everything is hard. Anything that is hard is worth having though. If it was easy, what would be the challenge? But now as I pass 28 and continue toward finishing school, I wonder, maybe the Lord put those people in my path to help soften the blow that will happen when I realize, marriage and children are not possible for me.
I don't have opportunities to meet people and I don't even know how I would go about doing that. Unless the good Lord places him right on my doorstep (which is in His power to do), I'm pretty S.O.L.
I could have children on my own, which I would love to adopt but I would not want to put someone through the pain I went through not having a dad around.  How fair is it for me to put a child through a single home like I did just to fulfill that selfish need to have them?

These are weak moments I have that come more and more as I get older. I know I need to have more faith and not question my path. I guess it's hard to resist the urge to be like a whiny child to her Father. Please keep this weak heart in your prayers as I pray for you all in mine.

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