How Lemons become Lemonade

Ate So Far:
Can of Diet Sprite (0 Cal, 0 Fat, 0 Carbs)
1/4 cup of almonds (180 Cal, 14 Fat, 6 Carbs) (Not my best meal but all I had that I could make without water due to water shut down)

Knitted So Far:
4 new rows! I'm shaping the triangle section of my Kri-Kerchief.

This week has definitely been one of ups and downs. When living on campus you are truly at the mercy of the university's policy changes. I don't mean small policy changes like "no more chicken soup on Wednesdays." I mean policy changes that are done without involving the student body that DIRECTLY affect the student body.
This is my mini rant as I had been fuming about this since I discovered the change to the point that I wrote stern emails to the higher ups at the university and am still hoping for a response.
Monday night I went to class for the first time (Last week I was driving back and forth with my sister trying to get my car out of the shop). I left class at 7:30 that night and waited by the bus stop that I always waited by to head home to the far west side of campus (classes are on the east side). I waited...and waited...and waited...for over an hour. I called the bus service 4 times, the first three times the phone rang until it automatically disconnected, the last time someone finally picked up. It was then, four phone calls and an hour later that I find out that bus no longer runs. Now for us who live on the west side of campus, we have to take the east campus route to an obscure stop and wait for another bus to take us to the west side of campus. That was upsetting enough being in a part of the city that is not exactly safe but then I discover this West Campus bus no longer stops at the dorms at all but stops a block away! Are you serious? Seriously?! So not only do I have to transfer between two buses at night in the dark but I have to walk home alone in the dark? This makes sense when we receive numerous emails about violence and crimes against UIC students? Policymakers! Listen up! Students who come to your university expect some reasonable level of security! Let's be responsible here! Dropping off students away from their dorms in the dark is not acceptable. What's even more nerve-wracking is that my dorm is directly across the street of Cook County Hospital. Cook County Hospital is not the swankiest of hospitals like Rush or University of Chicago. It looks nothing like it did in the show ER. Let's be reasonable, people please.
End Rant
So these lemons that are just growing through the week til Wednesday. Wednesday I had my first meeting with my internship adviser. I was understandably nervous being this is my first internship ever. I had no idea what to expect or what was expected of me. So I had my meeting yesterday and right away we start discussing what I would be doing. Originally I applied for my Masters to become a special educator. After the first year, it dawned on the professors and myself that being a teacher in a classroom may not be the best place for me. The professors did say that I could achieve success at school and learn all the techniques but my hearing would prove to be a challenge that could adversely affect my students. Had I been in a Deaf classroom with Deaf children, that would be a different case but children with Autism, Downs Syndrome, Cognitive Delays, and the like need their teachers to be fully aware, which includes hearing. I was sad about it but first and foremost I do not want to be a determent to any student out there. So it was time to figure what to do next. My internship adviser suggested I switch concentrations and look into careers in early intervention or transition services in which I would still be servicing children with disabilities, but in a different capacity. I don't need to tell you, dear reader, that I was all kinds of cool with that. If anything, this is more toward what I do enjoy which is consulting, educating, and advocating. I want to be the one fighting for my student to have everything he or she needs and be given every opportunity to be full participating members of society.
So back to the meeting...
We agreed that I would start investigating different agencies, interviewing students and professionals who work with children with needs, and starting a resource guide to early intervention and transition services as well as student input onto what they would like. I loved the meeting. I was so inspired and still am. This is doable and not only will I be able to accomplish my requirements but I will be able to learn so much from the students and other people. I just feel so blessed. I was in school so decorum is vital so I couldn't squeal for joy in the halls, so I did squeal for joy in thanks on Ravelry.
Now I still have the bus issue to contend with but the bus issue is so small when compared to the great light shined on my path and how I can serve Him. Since I've started this journey into knowing my God, I always was afraid that I would miss the clues on what was my purpose. Why did I loose my hearing? Why did I struggle so much in school? I just felt like I got some big answers and a big red arrow pointed "THIS WAY MELI!" This is how He can work through me...more so this is how He intended to work through me. How can I not be just bursting in joy and gratitude? I can't so now that I'm in my dorm room. *SQUEEEEEL!!!*

First Day Back at School

So Far Today:
2 slices of bread (70 Calories 16 Carbs)
2 slices of turkey breast (250 Calories, .2g Carbs)
1 tbsp May (35 Calories, 1 Carb)
2 slices of tomato (11.6 Calories, 2.3 Carbs)
2 Romaine Heart leaves (1 Calorie, 0 Carbs)
1 cup Pomagranite Tea (3 Calories, 0 Carbs)

Knitted So Far:
0 rows

Week's Weight in: Haven't been able to do it yet due to move in.

I spent my first night back at my dorm and had the worst night trying to sleep.You would think, after the past three months sleeping on couches and mattresses on the floor I would be grateful for the bed that was mine and sleep peacefully. No dice, readers. I even stooped to having a drink to try and drift off to sleep but it didn't help either. Perhaps it's just like my mom said, I'm still in mourning. I'm still mourning the loss of my relationship. 11 years out of anyone's life is alot and to have it all gone is hard.

I've started a journal on my daily meals but it's hardly as easy at my mom made it seem. Even now I had a sandwich and a cup of tea for breakfast and I feel kind of weak. Maybe I need to up the calories so I have more to burn. I also used my mom's exercise DVD and did the .75 mile walk before I pooped out. I can tell now how long it's been since I did any serious exercise because Boy did I get tired quickly! I was sweating for just simple steps. I will not let this get me more down though and just keep on trying to progress to a full mile.

I attend my first class today. I actually had one on Monday but I was so sick from a sushi night out with my new roommate, my sister, and my cousin that I was unable to attend. I'm feeling better now and so now I attend my first class tonight at 5. I'm ready to get school started on the right foot even though personally I still feel down. We'll see how today goes, I'll try to come back tonight and report. Til then everyone, happy knitting and happy eating.

The Chubby Knitter Embarks (Caution: Relgion discussed)

 Weight this week: 295 lbs

So far today:
1/4 cup Egg beaters Original egg substitute. (30 calories, 1g carb)
.5 oz Chorizo sausage. (70 calories, 1 carb)
1/2 Low Carb tortilla wrap (60 calories, 5.5 carbs)
1 tbsp Coffeemate cream with coffee (35 calories, 5 carbs)

Knitting today:
0 rows thus far...still early

I'm embarking on a new path as of this month. Now I have always been a chubby girl. I've grown quite used to people leering at me while I eat and having to pay just a bit extra for clothing and the sore joints and difficulty breathing after a few flights of stairs. It's been that way almost all my life. This summer has been the pinnicle of how much I'm going to allow myself to suffer. After an 11 year relationship (that included marriage and divorce), my ex left me. That was hard enough but on top of that I also had a bad fall down some stairs (I promise it wasn't self inflicted, it was a real accident) and sprained both ankles to the point that I couldn't hobble on them. On top of that I got into a car accident that still has my car in the shop. All and all I'd have to say each thing on top of the other has made this the worse three months of my life, but I subscribe to the belief that when God shuts a door he opens a window for you and did he ever open a window for me.

So with all this negativity going on I have decided...no...that's not accurate. I am determined to make a change for myself. I don't want to live for myself and tangible pleasures. I can't do that anymore it is killing me.

I want a relationship with my Lord and through that I want to take care of myself so that He can do his work through me. The first thing I have to do to achieve this goal is get to know my God. I have been desperately clinging to his coat tails, listening and talking and asking questions about him. I do read the Word even though it doesn't always make sense to me, I still try.
Second thing I have to do (which I have begun) is lose weight. Weight has always been something that holds me back. I don't really care about looking cute in skirts and tops. I'm good with a pair of jeans and a shirt and really I have a pretty plain fashion sense that comes from my practical ways. What hinders me is my confidence or should I say, lack there of. I don't feel I'm worthy to get anything good so I don't do anything good for myself. That is changing now. I am 27 years old and I am worthy of good things. I don't deserve to keep on going back to a boy who is fickle with his heart. I don't deserve to continuously kill myself with harmful food and cigarettes. I don't deserve to keep myself hidden from the world, wanting to fade into the background. I, and so many other people who struggle with confidence, deserve so much better. So I've got 2.5 years til I'm 30 and since 30 is called the new 20s, I'm not going to waste that time anymore.

This blog is to share these experience as I go through them and selfishly, hope for support.

Yesterday, I went for my first consultation with a surgeon. I have decided to undergo the Lap Band procedure. I got my weight taken (which I was so glad to see I was 5 pounds shy of 300. The last time I weighed myself I was over 300lbs) and my BMI too (54 I believe) and gratefully I qualified under medicaid and their team for this band. I got some great material from the dietitian that I share with my mom and my sister (both of them are trying to lose weight too) and really a boost of confidence that this is really doable. I've been staying at my mom's for support and because I feel bad taking up space at my sister's house. She's a new mom and has her husband of 2 years there too and I don't want to be in their way. With my mom, I feel stronger too.

So anyways I digress.

I came home and shared with my mom the papers I was given about diet and exercise and we discussed how we are already doing much of what the dietitian said which made me feel stronger. She also gave me this work out DVD for in room walking which is great! Since my ankles are still on the mend (takes longer when you're heavy), I can do something low impact and still be moving.

Friday, I plan to move back into my dorm and I am apprehensive. Usually with my mom I have support physically there and can stick to my goals but alone? Will I falter? I guess that's another reason for this blog. If I stick to this and write down my progress then I will have something else to answer to. Who knows?

So onward and upward (downward on the scale), wish me luck and see you next time.

Meli