Saturday, September 25, 2010

Happy Saturday

Eaten so far:
One Pancake (literally one)
One tablespoon of syrup.
One quarter sandwich from Jimmy Johns
(Weekends at home are often difficult to keep track of nutrition facts so I just try to be reasonable)

Knitted thus far:
Meli's Purple Mosey Legwarmers
Legwarmers are finished! Oh my God They came out looking so kick ass!
Mom's straight legged legwarmers in Black
Now I'm working on my mom's which are more straight legged than my flared ones. Plus they are in Gloss HW Black from Knit Picks. Just let me say they feel like a dream though I think some balls may have been affected by moisture. They were a bit felted while knitting but barely noticeable once knitted up. I'm including a picture of my mom's as well.
I'm already on the second one with good reason. Christmas is coming up and though my list is brief (Dad, brother, sister, niece, brother in's gift is the legwarmers), I have holiday knitting to commence.

Well here we are approaching autumn and isn't it grand. I mean really...isn't it grand? How can you not love the visual miracle of the way our world changes almost overnight? To me you KNOW God exists when you see how the leaves change, the trees go to sleep, the air crisps just enough to suck in that sweet fall breeze. If you could not tell dear reader, I am in love with fall.
Last fall, I was not in a good place personally and it reflected mostly, in my knitting. I was living with a boy who did not love me. I was drowning in school work, using it as an escape to hide from everyone how big I was getting, how sad I was, how alone I was feeling even when I was in a bar full of people. I was drinking alot more, smoking like a chimney and doing other things that were self destructive. It was also last fall that it was the first anniversary of my grandma's passing which made it all hit rock bottom.
Did I tell you about my grandma?
My grandma was my closest confidant. I could tell her anything and she would never judge me. She was the pillar and the glue of our Santiago family. We lost her October 5th 2008, two months shy (exactly two months) of her birthday. I was devastated. She was everything to me and she died just as  my marriage was falling apart and I was out of school. I didn't want her to remember me like that. The last things we talked about was how I was getting a divorce at 25 and that I would be graduating college without my teaching certificate. I felt like a complete failure.
Fast forward one year, I was back in school and trying to work out my relationship with my ex husband. Both of these things failing miserably once again. Had I really stayed that still that entire year. Was I so numbed by her death that I didn't even try to move and improve myself? Or was I that good at lying to myself and trying to make myself believe that I was improving? I'm pretty sure it was me lying to myself. I lied to myself that I could be a teacher, I lied to myself that my boyfriend actually loved me when I knew in my heart he didn't, I lied to myself that I didn't need anyone and I could do it all on my own. I just couldn't cope with life, especially a life without my most unconditional support, her.
Fast forward another year. October 5th is approaching. I still cry when I think about all that she's missing here. My niece growing, my upcoming graduation, my sister's life, my little siblings growing up without that warmth and love (my rant about my dad and his wife will have to be left to another post). All these things my grandma is not here with us to enjoy where we can see her, hug her, cry with her, and laugh. It's been two years since I've been able to ask for a blessing before we part and have her putting the cross on my forehead giving me a 2 minute blessing in Spanish.        
I am going into a field where I can do God's work as He wants me to. I am single but I am happy and loving myself again. I am more aware of my needs as well as what God expects of me as a Christian woman, sister, aunt, and daughter. I am forging that relationship with Him, even though I falter, I know I try earnestly and I will keep on trying with all my heart. So the two year anniversary is fast approaching and I know on that day I will be sad but I will also be happy because at least now I KNOW she will see what her family is doing and hopefully be proud of me.
From Left to Right: My Grandpa Vicente, Meli (Me), and my grandma Maria Cristina at my Quince Anos (Sweet 15)

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